Learning Curve

God bless my boy... Gotta love him.

However, he has such a 'cautious' spirit and it has caused a lot of frustration on both of our parts. I can't say I blame him. Not overlooking the fact that Nate and I weren't exactly adventurous children, he came into this world to experience pokes, pricks, tests, surgery--lots of doctors and not enough mama. So I try to be patient with him when he's leery to try something new and would rather just watch. Both nature and nurture didn't start him off on the right foot to exude trust and confidence in all areas of life...

Since day one, Damian has only done things of his own volition, after much thought and consideration. I'll be honest, I did not realize this at first. Lots of tears (mine included) could have been spared had I just accepted his timing over mine. To me some things seem so simple or fun that I couldn't fathom why he wouldn't even try.

The slide... Why won't he go down the slide?! Strangers... Am I the only mother out there that wishes their child would at least speak to a stranger?! It's pizza... Just try the yummy yummy pizza!

As time has gone on, I'm beginning to trust him more to know when he is ready. All I can do is offer help if he wants it. The wonderful thing I've noticed from him though is that he's beginning to respect that trust and return it--both trusting himself and me.

The other day we were at the park running and playing on the jungle gym. Clare, of course being his complete opposite, loves the slides. The higher, the faster, the better. In all the ways Damian hasn't caused me heart failure, she's quickly picking up the slack. But I'm digressing... I'm talking about Little Man today... I noticed him eyeing the slide. I considered saying something, but thought better of it.

He will do it when he's ready... even if that's at 25. Lord, please don't let him be 25...

He sat down at the top of the slide, but then started to back away. I offered my hand and he agreed, and down he went. He lit up and, of course, loved it. I let him have his moment, and then off he went to do the slide on his own over and over and over again. Then, a few days later he finally conquered his fear of a "high slide" and I've never seen him more proud of himself.

It's hard to let him do things at his own pace. Because I, as the adult, so often "know what's good/right/better/easiest," but if he isn't ready... he isn't ready. The frustration I cause by trying to force him only sows more doubt in himself. He has to conquer that fear on his own. I can't do that for him, and that's something I have to let go of. My preconceived notions on when he, or any of my children for that matter, should be daring, interested in sight words, walk, talk, eat, draw, anything they do, did or will do... All of these things are theirs.

It's taken me 4 years of being his mom to figure this out. But I can finally say that seeing him begin to trust himself, trust others, and succeed in even the smallest areas, is worth the learning curve it took me to get here.

Blog Life

If you haven't noticed...I've backed off of blogging recently.

There have been numerous reasons for this, but most of them had to do with time management skills (which I lack) and the weird stirring in my heart that I needed to truly think about what I was doing as far as the Internet was concerned. As the kids get older, I've begun to question what the effects of having their lives recorded online might be. Sure, mostly just friends and family see this blog, but that doesn't stop anyone else from finding it. I also started noticing the amount of time I spent using social media as a distraction, and how often I used it to compare myself to other people. I then wondered if perhaps me sharing my life online was just causing someone else to be tempted to compare themselves to our life (and then I chuckled because, uh hello... my life be a mess.) But still, the more I thought about a blog, the odder it sounded. Self-promotion? Open letters to no one? Talking about yourself for hours on end? Why??? (Bloggers, don't get offended.... just keep reading)

So I took a break and really thought for a long time that I was done. Limited social media. No more blog. I wanted real life... not this pseudo-internet life that was edited and filtered! I wanted real community that could come to my house, go to the park, get a drink with me. More importantly, I wanted to go to their homes and see that real life looks a little messy--that there's no Instagram filter on it. And while I was at it, I was going to start an intentional community! With a wall! And no Internet... And lots and lots of chickens.

Perhaps I lost some perspective on the whole matter.... Perhapssss.

But, I'm not going to lie. Despite my irrational desire to go "off the grid" for a bit, it was a good break. However... being away from the world of blogging didn't necessarily make a lot of sense given the world we live in. Our neighborhood is filled with a lot of elderly people. I can't exactly go outside and let the kids "play with the neighborhood." My village is spread out all over town... and all over many states! If I don't talk to another adult for hours on end, I will go mad; but sometimes the cashier at Target has no interest in my life or the fact that my child prefers to lick her shoes rather than wear them this week. I actually kind of missed my friends and their internet lives, which I discovered actually are real things.

Our world is different from what it's been in decades past. And part of that world is social media. There are a lot of faults with it, but there are a lot of blessings too. A lot has to do with guarding my own heart and my children. There's a balance on what to share and when to share. Just as there's a balance between how much time we spend "checked out" online. There can be an escapism element to it, but there are real needs being met through the online community. All of you mamas out there that I'm friends with because of this little website or this little Instagram page, you know what I'm talking about!

I was listening to a Fountain of Carrots podcast the other night. They were discussing how hard it had been for them becoming mothers, especially Catholic mothers, when they realized they really didn't even know what that style of motherhood looked or felt like. Blogs became their little peak into the world of other mothers. Hearing that rang so true to me that I began to understand that my longing for community could still be found online. Nothing will replace a long coffee date with a friend. But drinking my coffee while skimming through what another mama wrote while drinking her cup of coffee is pretty darn close. Even if it takes both of us 3 reheats to get through our writing and reading. Sharing life on a blog or twitter isn't necessarily some vain pursuit, but rather no different than wanting to be hospitable to anyone who "swings by for a visit." 

So I think I might be back up to blogging. Why not? I still want to monitor how much I share about my children, but I want to open the door of my home to any other mother who may need just a peek at what's going on inside. So she can say..."oh good! Me too!" Because, we all need a village.

The Balancing Act

It's been a little quiet around here recently. On the blog that is.

Life seems to be ever busier and busier. And as much as I hope God blesses us with more children eventually, there are days... Oh, there are days....

On the bright side, things seem to be doing a little better around here. It's almost as if Survival Mode has moved to Survival Mode Plus. It's where you're still hanging on for dear life, but the house gets cleaned every so often.

However, it does seem the blog has been put on the back burner some. I've taken on a few other writing projects, I'm trying semi-successfully to train for the marathon in December, and now that Clare is walking there's just constant something going on around my feet at all times. I'll be the first to admit that I do kinda love the chaos. But it's not super conducive to lengthy novels about the minutia of our lives.

Over the past few months, I've seen quite a few mamas refer to this book. I read it back while in the early stages of pregnancy with Clare, and it didn't sit with me quite like I had hoped. Maybe it was first trimester-ness or perhaps the fact the I'm at a different stage of motherhood than the author. For the most part, the book overwhelmed even the most Type A part of me. I will say though, that if nothing else, the book did make me think and it has stuck with me. In brief, the premise is that structuring your life on a schedule, such as monastics do, allows your life to become more orderly and in turn more prayerful. Now who doesn't want a big heap of that?!

Sign. Me. Up.

Sadly, I've not been able to implement her plan for orderly perfection in my home. In fact, that last statement is an understatement to how this house runs. If the floors are clean, it's because the kids aren't. If I'm writing here, I'm not working on other projects. If I've actually run... well that never happens so I'll just stop there. But you get the point... If I'm doing something, it's because I'm obviously not doing something else. Yet when everything looks or feels to be of equal importance, how do you schedule time/stay motivated/ sleep, etcetcetc? I've not got the answer to that, and for the most part, my life rarely feels in balance.

Recently, I've been so proud of the fact that I've been keeping my house decently clean. I'm not talking about zero clutter, I just mean there is at least the appearance that I care about what's going on around here. I've found that I just have to do it despite my biggest desire to sit at the end of the day and veg or blog. But see... sometimes I need to veg, or blog, or read your blog and comment. I miss those things. I miss you. However, it seems I can't have my cake and eat it too.

There are the moms who do it all I suppose, but it seems they are a rare breed. We all have our moments where we have to slack on something to excel in another area. Or even just exist in another area. I hope there's a day when I can slow down some and make my life a habit of order and prayer. But right now, that seems like only an ideal worth striving towards that will never fully be realized. And I'm ok with that.

Why Am I Doing This?

...or  "A Post About Running"

If you are a stranger to these parts (first off, welcome.welcome.) let me start by saying, sleep is not happening in this house. If Clare is having a miracle stretch of sleep for longer than 2 hours, then Damian is waking up. If Damian is sleeping like the good boy he used to be, then Clare is all like HELLNO will I sleep.

It's a mess. I suggest you buy stock in Starbucks.

What does this have to do about running??

Well I may have signed up for my 4th marathon. In December. (That's in 4 months for those of you not counting down to Christmas. What? Only me?)

If you've ever been active before, and by active I mean "Do you chew your food??" you know how important sleep is.

Part of me is very excited to tackle the marathon yet again. Every time I've run a marathon, I've been injured or sick. I would love to get out there healthy and well-trained and see what I can do.

However, part of me is very worry this won't happen because I haven't been running as much as I would like and that's mostly because I can't seem to find the time or energy. I'm hoping as it gets cooler I will be able to take the kids with me more (never thought I'd say that.) Now that's I've actually signed up though I'm feeling more motivated. Sooo shall we say the runner in me is back?? Let's hope! (Otherwise it's going to be a long 26.2 miles...)

If anyone else is interested... You should sign up for the Kiawah marathon and come run with me! There's also a half marathon too.

Damian and Clare

I love having more than one child. Of course there are days I consider locking myself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and crying on the floor because I'm all class like that. But usually having two is awesome and on most days I'm like LETSHAVEALLTHEKIDS. And then 5:30 rolls around (both AM and PM) and then maybe ALL the kids seems a little ambitious.

Anyway, this isn't about me. We're talking about them.

I know Damian was a bit of a difficult journey into motherhood, so it's probably not fair to compare. But life's not fair so we're going to. This second baby has been SO. SO. SO. much easier. And I say this while she is still waking up every 2-3 hours. (Another day, another post.... ugh) She has a much more laidback personality, so I know that helps. But having Damian around to entertain her is pretty nice. On the days Damian spends with my mom, Clare is so bored.

"Wake Up!! I miss you!!!"

They're best buddies. And already get into mischief together. I really thought I had a few years before that would start. Oh well...

Who else would take her glamour shots while her parents sleep?

Anything one of them does, the other one has to follow. Is one eating? The other is suddenly starving. Is someone playing with a toy that used to be the most boring toy ever? Then the other has to have it.

Buds

It's sometimes hilarious, sometimes a little painful. But she's doing her best to keep up and when he's not hoarding all his toys, he does a great job showing her how things work or what to do. 

Because grainy and shadowy pictures become cute when it's of them playing nicely together

It's silly to think how worried I had been about them getting along or Damian loving Clare. I would have never imagined this...

And now after 9ish month, I'm finally feeling like I can do this. I'm sure once she starts running with him I may change my tune. But for the most part, I feel pretty confident in my ability to manage them. Or maybe I've just accepted our Survival Mode and have completely forgotten what sanity I used to have. It's probably a bit of both and I'm ok with our new normal. 

A Letter to My Daughter

Dearest Daughter,

This letter is for when you are older, but I don't want it to come too late so I'm writing it to you now. 

I want you to know a few thing about your mom. 

When we heard "It's a girl!" I could barely contain my excitement. I'd finally get to do all those girly things like bows and ruffles and dolls. Your grandmother is my best friend and I had always hoped that one day I would have a daughter to share that relationship with as well. And as we continued to prepare for your arrival, my excitement still grew but I began to realize more and more what having a daughter, especially in these times, would mean. You see, the world is a tricky place. As a woman, you are lucky to live in a time where you can do and be whatever you want. A mother, a doctor, a teacher, a politician? Go for it! I hope you find your passion early and give it your best shot. However, there's a darker side of this world in which we live. One where sin prevails and a woman is objectified and misused with little thought to her as a whole person. Just walk down any magazine aisle and read the headlines. It's all about how you look, how sexy you are, what you can offer to your man. And while I may tell you your worth is so much more than that, I know the world loudly shouts something else. 

And then Sweet One, I had you and watched you start to grow. You are absolutely beautiful to me. No really, you are stunning. And the more I thought about how the world might make you feel otherwise, the more angry I became. Not at the world, love, but at myself. For women are the ones that have allowed this to happen. We were the ones that bought that lie. We're the ones that kill ourselves trying to look a certain way, complain about our worst features, and dream about what it must be like to be just one size smaller or one inch taller or just a little bit curvier. 

So I began to think about how maybe I could save you from all the pain so many women go through. I could keep you in a bubble, never exposing you to the world, but there's so much good out there I want you to see too. Maybe I could try my hardest to protect you from bad influences and just never let you out of my sight. But then how would you learn to be independent or grow from mistakes? I don't want to save you from every fall or broken heart. It was then I had the scary realization, that all parents do at some point, that I can't control your life forever and at some point I will have to let you go. All I can do is give you the tools to survive. 

But I don't want you to merely survive, I want you to thrive. There must be a better way for a woman to live than constantly obsessing about how she looks. But isn't that what we women do?  Why is that? Where do we learn that from? It must be from other women. When I came to that conclusion, I decided that I would try with all my might to teach you something different. I can't control the world, but I can control me. Maybe, just maybe, my influence would be enough to give you the strength to not buy into the image obsessed culture in which we live.

My words will never be louder than the culture's, but I hope my actions are. So I want you to know...

When you see me running and working out, it's not so I can fit into size 0 jeans or have a bikini body. It's because I love fresh air, the feel of working for something hard, and I want to be good to this body God has given me. I do it so I will be around for your children, and God-willing, your children's children. 

When you see me eating a salad or choosing a healthy food option, don't think it's because I'm deathly afraid of cellulite or gaining a few pounds. Know it's because eating the natural things of this earth remind me of how blessed we are to be able to have good food that nourishes our bodies.

When I put on make up, please don't ever think I don't like the way I look without it. Just as I like nice clothing that flatters my body, I enjoy having fun with make up. But if I ever thought it made you think you needed it to be pretty, I would throw it all away in a heartbeat and never wear it again.

And when you hear me talk about myself, I hope you never hear me complain about the way I look. How could I not like so many of my features that I see look so beautiful on you?

I hope you learn to value looking beautiful rather than "looking hot." I want you to enjoy good chocolate and a fine wine while knowing moderation and temperance. I want you to know the virtues because you were raised surrounded by them. I want you to know you are loved. I want you to know who you are and what you stand for and to never waiver in either of those. I hope that if I can teach you only one thing about being a woman, it's to see yourself as God sees you and to be grateful for this body of yours. 

I love you my beautiful girl,

Mom

A Day in the Life

7:30

 

Wake up to Clare patting my face. I attempt to nurse her in hopes I can get a few more minutes of sleep, but she continues to be adorable. and awake.

7:33 

Hear Damian whining downstairs to Nate about something. Pray I can hide just a bit longer

7:44

 Damian finds me, and he's crying. 

I continue to ask him why, and he continues to ignore me. Finally he calms down and tries to tackle me and Clare. Family snuggle fest commences.

7:58 

Nate makes it upstairs to get ready for work. He gives me that "you're still in bed" look because he's been up for hours at this point. We chat about the morning before he sneaks in the shower. 

8:15 

Realize Damian not only has my phone but he's managed to pull up a random video online. We all get sucked in watching it, and Damian doesn't get the humor. 

8:20 

Finally I get up... Let the day begin, world. I moan and whine a bit.

8:24 

Now begins the fight for my phone. Damian repeatedly tells me it's his and finally pry it out of his hands. Tears... sooo many tears.

8:26 

Nate says goodbye and for some reason Damian was not satisfied by the farewell he's received.

8:30 

Chase Nate down in the driveway because Damian is in hysterics and saying that he needs another hug from Nate. Normally I don't cater to every whim this kid has, but he's never acted this way about Nate leaving before so I deem it kinda cute and try to stop Nate from driving away. Of course, he still cries when Nate leaves, so I carry him and Clare back into the house. Work out for the day--completed.

8:40 

 

Despite the fact that she now hates diaper changes because it means she can't go anywhere, she finally has a clean diaper on. 

8:42

Everyone is unraveling again about who knows what, so I decide we need to get out of the house STAT.

8:43 

Get me and Clare dressed. 

8:58 

My timer goes off?? For some reason Damian must have set that while playing with my phone earlier... sigh...

9:03

 Wrangle clothing on to scooter boy, although I have to wait until he's done taking his call

 and head to the car.

9:13 

Yes a whopping 10 minutes later we are all finally in the car and on the way to Whole Foods. Clare naps.

9:30

 Make it into WF thanks to bribery. Head straight to coffee and pastry section and load us up. 

Damian's diet has started off stellar and I just thank God that this chocolate croissant he chose is as big as his face because it means I will get to shop in peace.

9:40 

Damian starts yelling about something. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KID?!?!?! Finally realize ooohhhh Bees. Like actual buzz buzz sting bees. Right.... 

9:42 

Go look at bees.

9:50

 Still walking around WF trying to find bread crumbs. WHERE ARE THE BREAD CRUMBS?!?!?! Finally ask someone and she says "Oh, they're over here by the tuna." I give her the "Oh. Logically." face, grab some, and bolt to the check out because there is still way too much Ice Coffee in my cup and not enough chocolate croissant left in his pastry bag. 

10:00

 Make it to the car and let Damian help me push the cart back to the drop-off spot. He insist he must also throw away his pastry bag because, judging by the tone of his voice, his life depends on it.

10:14 

Time to go home. Talk to my mom on the drive back. Adult conversation. Woot Woot. Clare sleeps and Damian is surprisingly quiet-ish.

10:45 

Car is unloaded, and Clare is asleep in her carseat. I get to actually cook some!!! 

10:46

 Damian wakes up Clare.

10:47 

Stop myself from killing my child.

10:48 

Start to really regret the fact that I didn't make this dish the night before like I had originally planned. 

10:53 

Clare lets me finally put her down, and Damian is scooting around the house playing. She slowly dismantles the fridge and cabinets and I don't even care one little bit. 

I get to chop chop chop with two hands!

11:21
Everything is finally chopped after some "help" from Damian

 and a few intermissions from Clare. I realize that trying to triple a recipe was perhaps a bit ambitious... 

11:30 

Realize it's been 4 hours since I've nursed Clare, so we take a little nursing break. Wonder if 11:33 still counts as morning as I read my Morning Offering email.

 She falls asleep so I put her in he Ergo and keep on keeping on.

11:38 

Let Damian "wash dishes" because the environment isn't going to win today. 

11:50 

Recipe calls for wine and wonder if it's acceptable to drink wine before noon if I'm using it to cook.

11:51 

Curse the wine gods.

12:00 

Damian is playing by himself. Praise the real God for this miracle that last until lunchtime. At some point I notice that playing by himself also means hanging out in the dog crate.

12:50 

Casseroles are in the oven and I've got lunch on the table for Damian. I eat cashews because I have to fix this... It's just... yea it's bad.

1:29 

Kitchen is clean enough.

1:41

 Put on George and sit down for a second. Clare doesn't want to play and seems pretty cranky.

1:50 

Nurse Clare while wondering what Tibi is barking about while also making oatmeal for me to eat.

1:55

Eat oatmeal while nursing Clare and attempting to blog. I get no where because she wants to help type.

2:03 

Go upstairs to grab laundry and to change. Clare falls over pulling up on something and wants to comfort nurse. Damian notices we are missing and comes upstairs. I put Clare in the Johnny Jump-up so I can attempt to make myself look half way decent. She and Damian bounce while looking at each other in the mirror. I can't decide if this is incredibly cute or just kinda vain. Gotta love little kids.

2:20 

Casseroles done! 

Start getting Damian and Clare ready to go. We're delivering a meal to a mama friend who just had a baby (hence all the casserole making.) Also remember I need to pack a few packages from the eBay business and stick them in the mailbox.

2:50

 Finally get out the door 30 minutes later. Clare sleeps and Damian is silent. This. Is. Bliss. I'm completely recharged by the time we get to her house.

3:23

 Make it to friend's house and end up having an impromptu playdate for a bit. Damian's shy self seems to be finally warming up a bit right as we need to leave. Typical typical. 

4:50

 We're back home and Damian wants to go on a walk. Also, judging by his tone, this too is life or death and if we don't walk RIGHT NOW we will all die. But I tell Mr. Doing the Potty Dance he has to go to the bathroom first. He and I argue for a good 5 minutes before he finally just goes. I will never understand this dilemma. Never. (Can I mention how glad I am that dinner is already done! I also make a mental note to start cooking every meal early.)

5:00 

Strap Clare in the Ergo, Damian grabs his scooter, and we finally go on that walk. I tell him he has until 5:30 because then we have to go home to warm up dinner and take a bath. 

5:25

 Run into/meet our neighbor who has kids and end up talking for WAY too long. But we get a dinner invite out of it. Damian has had one too many interactions with humans and is losing it. The world is crumbling around us. We are all hot. We are all melting. There are puddles of despair everywhere. I'm fairly convinced the dinner invite has been revoked. But new friends bring Damian a frozen yogurt pop to help us make it back home. They are officially amazing.

6:03 

Finally start warming up dinner. Damian struggles. Clare is a sweaty mess and hungry.

6:08 

The moment we have all been waiting for finally happens as Nate walks through the door. Hallelujah choirs begin. Or, wait, is that the sound of my child still. wailing. 

6:10

 Dinner begins. After an epic battle over what he was eating, he decides that he suddenly doesn't like THESE chicken nuggets. He wants to go get different ones. I sip my wine faster. Finally we bribe him with milk to eat and he realizes, oh wait. THESE ARE SOOOO GOOD! Sigh.... We recount the day to Nate, while I feed Miss I Love To Eat So Much I That Bounce While I Eat And Therefore Make A Mess. Thankfully, the day seems to be ending on a happy note as everyone's mood is much better with a little food.

7:10

 Go upstairs and begin the bedtime routine with Clare while Nate tackles (literally) Damian. Rock and nurse Clare while I pray and decompress from the day.

7:50 

Sneak out of Clare's room. Catch up briefly with Nate while he cleans the kitchen from dinner. I then go outside to water the plants.

8:24 

Decide I just need some quiet time and swing outside for a bit. I worry about Damian some and hope I'm doing the right thing with him. 

8:36

 Go back inside and apologize to Nate for unloading all my frustrations about Damian and his "social skills" on to Nate the second he walked in the door. He, of course, doesn't care because he understands. 

8:40

 Start blogging.

9:06 

Realize the number of pictures I have for this post is unreal.

9:32 

Start texting all the people I've accidentally ignored in the last few hours. 

10:10

Finish post. Contemplate bed or ice cream. Bed or ice cream. And then think... Oh wait, didn't I do laundry at some point today?? Oops...

Sainthood Denied

What. A. Day.

It's 2 minutes to 11 pm and I've finally got a quiet house (until Clare reads this) and I'm sitting here eating ice cream instead of sleeping. Best use of my time for sure.

Maybe it was being gone for 3 days or maybe it was just that I was off my game, but today I was not feeling it. You moms know what I mean. Those days when being a mom is last on your To Do list, yet for some reason the Little Blessings don't get the memo. So here I am feeling all worn out and a bit grumpy and I read this beautiful post by Tess and think YES! THIS IS IT! 

Problem is, I failed at sainthood today. I guess in reality I fail at this most days, but today seemed more epic than usual. My temper was shorter, my yelling was louder, and my patience was non-existent. Damian is a big ball of need topped with whines and tantrums, and Clare is a little ball of "just let me sit on your hip all day long." And while my hips cry "give me a break" sometimes, I tell myself she's still a baby--she won't be soon-- and just give her extra kisses. But with Damian it hasn't been that easy lately. The real tragedy is how often I forget my big guy is still quite little himself. In a lot of ways he still needs me to just say, "He's still little" and give him extra kisses too. 

you can never release me! zzzz

But instead I yell, I turn the car around, I sit him on the steps, over and over and over and over. Of course, some times he truly deserves it. But sometimes... Sometimes I wonder if he only needs a bit more attention from his mama. It's only been 7 months of learning how to share me with Clare. And most often Clare's needs seem to outrank his. This parenting stuff is complicated..

Here Clare, let me squish you.

I wish I could just say, "Yes being a mother is so hard, but I'm learning so much about sacrifice." Or "Having a three year old is sure making me grow in holiness." But if I'm honest, I don't know that I'm allowing motherhood to turn me into a saint. Rather, I find it often brings out my worst qualities. And I hate that because I do love being a mom. I don't even want to be the perfect mom who does all this amazing stuff for my kids. No, I just want to be a good mom who teaches goodness and holiness to my children. And today, today was not that day. 

But the good thing about teaching holiness is it means teaching forgiveness. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to try again at this messy motherhood of mine. Hopefully it will be better. And if it's not, there's still some ice cream left in the fridge ;-)