Sainthood Denied

What. A. Day.

It's 2 minutes to 11 pm and I've finally got a quiet house (until Clare reads this) and I'm sitting here eating ice cream instead of sleeping. Best use of my time for sure.

Maybe it was being gone for 3 days or maybe it was just that I was off my game, but today I was not feeling it. You moms know what I mean. Those days when being a mom is last on your To Do list, yet for some reason the Little Blessings don't get the memo. So here I am feeling all worn out and a bit grumpy and I read this beautiful post by Tess and think YES! THIS IS IT! 

Problem is, I failed at sainthood today. I guess in reality I fail at this most days, but today seemed more epic than usual. My temper was shorter, my yelling was louder, and my patience was non-existent. Damian is a big ball of need topped with whines and tantrums, and Clare is a little ball of "just let me sit on your hip all day long." And while my hips cry "give me a break" sometimes, I tell myself she's still a baby--she won't be soon-- and just give her extra kisses. But with Damian it hasn't been that easy lately. The real tragedy is how often I forget my big guy is still quite little himself. In a lot of ways he still needs me to just say, "He's still little" and give him extra kisses too. 

you can never release me! zzzz

But instead I yell, I turn the car around, I sit him on the steps, over and over and over and over. Of course, some times he truly deserves it. But sometimes... Sometimes I wonder if he only needs a bit more attention from his mama. It's only been 7 months of learning how to share me with Clare. And most often Clare's needs seem to outrank his. This parenting stuff is complicated..

Here Clare, let me squish you.

I wish I could just say, "Yes being a mother is so hard, but I'm learning so much about sacrifice." Or "Having a three year old is sure making me grow in holiness." But if I'm honest, I don't know that I'm allowing motherhood to turn me into a saint. Rather, I find it often brings out my worst qualities. And I hate that because I do love being a mom. I don't even want to be the perfect mom who does all this amazing stuff for my kids. No, I just want to be a good mom who teaches goodness and holiness to my children. And today, today was not that day. 

But the good thing about teaching holiness is it means teaching forgiveness. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to try again at this messy motherhood of mine. Hopefully it will be better. And if it's not, there's still some ice cream left in the fridge ;-)