The Balancing Act

It's been a little quiet around here recently. On the blog that is.

Life seems to be ever busier and busier. And as much as I hope God blesses us with more children eventually, there are days... Oh, there are days....

On the bright side, things seem to be doing a little better around here. It's almost as if Survival Mode has moved to Survival Mode Plus. It's where you're still hanging on for dear life, but the house gets cleaned every so often.

However, it does seem the blog has been put on the back burner some. I've taken on a few other writing projects, I'm trying semi-successfully to train for the marathon in December, and now that Clare is walking there's just constant something going on around my feet at all times. I'll be the first to admit that I do kinda love the chaos. But it's not super conducive to lengthy novels about the minutia of our lives.

Over the past few months, I've seen quite a few mamas refer to this book. I read it back while in the early stages of pregnancy with Clare, and it didn't sit with me quite like I had hoped. Maybe it was first trimester-ness or perhaps the fact the I'm at a different stage of motherhood than the author. For the most part, the book overwhelmed even the most Type A part of me. I will say though, that if nothing else, the book did make me think and it has stuck with me. In brief, the premise is that structuring your life on a schedule, such as monastics do, allows your life to become more orderly and in turn more prayerful. Now who doesn't want a big heap of that?!

Sign. Me. Up.

Sadly, I've not been able to implement her plan for orderly perfection in my home. In fact, that last statement is an understatement to how this house runs. If the floors are clean, it's because the kids aren't. If I'm writing here, I'm not working on other projects. If I've actually run... well that never happens so I'll just stop there. But you get the point... If I'm doing something, it's because I'm obviously not doing something else. Yet when everything looks or feels to be of equal importance, how do you schedule time/stay motivated/ sleep, etcetcetc? I've not got the answer to that, and for the most part, my life rarely feels in balance.

Recently, I've been so proud of the fact that I've been keeping my house decently clean. I'm not talking about zero clutter, I just mean there is at least the appearance that I care about what's going on around here. I've found that I just have to do it despite my biggest desire to sit at the end of the day and veg or blog. But see... sometimes I need to veg, or blog, or read your blog and comment. I miss those things. I miss you. However, it seems I can't have my cake and eat it too.

There are the moms who do it all I suppose, but it seems they are a rare breed. We all have our moments where we have to slack on something to excel in another area. Or even just exist in another area. I hope there's a day when I can slow down some and make my life a habit of order and prayer. But right now, that seems like only an ideal worth striving towards that will never fully be realized. And I'm ok with that.

Sainthood Denied

What. A. Day.

It's 2 minutes to 11 pm and I've finally got a quiet house (until Clare reads this) and I'm sitting here eating ice cream instead of sleeping. Best use of my time for sure.

Maybe it was being gone for 3 days or maybe it was just that I was off my game, but today I was not feeling it. You moms know what I mean. Those days when being a mom is last on your To Do list, yet for some reason the Little Blessings don't get the memo. So here I am feeling all worn out and a bit grumpy and I read this beautiful post by Tess and think YES! THIS IS IT! 

Problem is, I failed at sainthood today. I guess in reality I fail at this most days, but today seemed more epic than usual. My temper was shorter, my yelling was louder, and my patience was non-existent. Damian is a big ball of need topped with whines and tantrums, and Clare is a little ball of "just let me sit on your hip all day long." And while my hips cry "give me a break" sometimes, I tell myself she's still a baby--she won't be soon-- and just give her extra kisses. But with Damian it hasn't been that easy lately. The real tragedy is how often I forget my big guy is still quite little himself. In a lot of ways he still needs me to just say, "He's still little" and give him extra kisses too. 

you can never release me! zzzz

But instead I yell, I turn the car around, I sit him on the steps, over and over and over and over. Of course, some times he truly deserves it. But sometimes... Sometimes I wonder if he only needs a bit more attention from his mama. It's only been 7 months of learning how to share me with Clare. And most often Clare's needs seem to outrank his. This parenting stuff is complicated..

Here Clare, let me squish you.

I wish I could just say, "Yes being a mother is so hard, but I'm learning so much about sacrifice." Or "Having a three year old is sure making me grow in holiness." But if I'm honest, I don't know that I'm allowing motherhood to turn me into a saint. Rather, I find it often brings out my worst qualities. And I hate that because I do love being a mom. I don't even want to be the perfect mom who does all this amazing stuff for my kids. No, I just want to be a good mom who teaches goodness and holiness to my children. And today, today was not that day. 

But the good thing about teaching holiness is it means teaching forgiveness. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to try again at this messy motherhood of mine. Hopefully it will be better. And if it's not, there's still some ice cream left in the fridge ;-)