Learning Curve

God bless my boy... Gotta love him.

However, he has such a 'cautious' spirit and it has caused a lot of frustration on both of our parts. I can't say I blame him. Not overlooking the fact that Nate and I weren't exactly adventurous children, he came into this world to experience pokes, pricks, tests, surgery--lots of doctors and not enough mama. So I try to be patient with him when he's leery to try something new and would rather just watch. Both nature and nurture didn't start him off on the right foot to exude trust and confidence in all areas of life...

Since day one, Damian has only done things of his own volition, after much thought and consideration. I'll be honest, I did not realize this at first. Lots of tears (mine included) could have been spared had I just accepted his timing over mine. To me some things seem so simple or fun that I couldn't fathom why he wouldn't even try.

The slide... Why won't he go down the slide?! Strangers... Am I the only mother out there that wishes their child would at least speak to a stranger?! It's pizza... Just try the yummy yummy pizza!

As time has gone on, I'm beginning to trust him more to know when he is ready. All I can do is offer help if he wants it. The wonderful thing I've noticed from him though is that he's beginning to respect that trust and return it--both trusting himself and me.

The other day we were at the park running and playing on the jungle gym. Clare, of course being his complete opposite, loves the slides. The higher, the faster, the better. In all the ways Damian hasn't caused me heart failure, she's quickly picking up the slack. But I'm digressing... I'm talking about Little Man today... I noticed him eyeing the slide. I considered saying something, but thought better of it.

He will do it when he's ready... even if that's at 25. Lord, please don't let him be 25...

He sat down at the top of the slide, but then started to back away. I offered my hand and he agreed, and down he went. He lit up and, of course, loved it. I let him have his moment, and then off he went to do the slide on his own over and over and over again. Then, a few days later he finally conquered his fear of a "high slide" and I've never seen him more proud of himself.

It's hard to let him do things at his own pace. Because I, as the adult, so often "know what's good/right/better/easiest," but if he isn't ready... he isn't ready. The frustration I cause by trying to force him only sows more doubt in himself. He has to conquer that fear on his own. I can't do that for him, and that's something I have to let go of. My preconceived notions on when he, or any of my children for that matter, should be daring, interested in sight words, walk, talk, eat, draw, anything they do, did or will do... All of these things are theirs.

It's taken me 4 years of being his mom to figure this out. But I can finally say that seeing him begin to trust himself, trust others, and succeed in even the smallest areas, is worth the learning curve it took me to get here.

Damian-isms vol. 3

Oh Damian Damian Damian... From the mouths of babes or so they say.

Scene: Dinner table
Damian: Mommy, you're a dog. Clare, a cat. Damian, a dragon. Daddy. YOU'RE A DRAGONFLY!!
Me: *Deaddddd*
Daddy: *offended*

I have about 8945973498276 of these selfies on my phone

Scene: Me attempting to clean up because sometimes I like to pretend we don't live in a war zone and Damian trying to undo my attempts
Me: Damian, could you stop. I'm trying to clean up the house.
Damian: Who's coming over?!
Me: ..... no.one. ..... Thanks kid...... You know, sometimes we clean even when we don't have company coming over........ 

Making me proud by finding the Dr Who section of B&N

Scene: Damian having one of those *rare* moments of badness 

Me: YELL YELL YELL FUSS FUSS FUSS
Damian: Mommy, you are too loud. We don't yell inside, only outside.

Me:

Damian's offering to the Holy Family--a used lollipop and a washed out photo filter

Scene: In the lab about to give blood.

Lab tech: So I guess he ate today?
Me: Yea he did. They didn't need him to fast.
Damian (slightly enraged): I'M NOT EIGHT! I'm three!!
Everyone: *dead*

No really, why?

Scene: Dinner time when he was supposed to be in his seat but instead was over by me
Me: Ok bud, you really need to go sit back down.
Damian (in the sweetest voice ever): Mommy. You are the sweetest mommy ever!
Me: ok you can do whatever you want for the rest of your life... 

Damian's Scope

Just a quick hello to let you know Damian is currently having his scope done to find the source of bleeding. Say a prayer for him that there are no "surprises" and anything they find is a quick fix! Thanks friends.

ps: I asked him to change into "something nice" for some pictures recently, and he refused saying his coordinated PJs were nice!! lol

First Day of School

Today was Damian's first day of Pre-School!
We went to an open house yesterday so he could meet his teacher and plenty of my old teachers as he's attending my old Catholic elementary school. It's crazy to think I have a child old enough to be there. I guess time flies and all that jazz.

Anyway, let's get to some token "First Day of School Pictures."

So Excited!!

His beloved monster bookbag with even more beloved matching water bottle.

Mama hen with her confused chicks.

No really guys... What are y'all doing?

Happy First Day of School to everyone else starting the school year today! 

What a Weekend

Hi friends. Can we just take a minute and talk about this weekend? What a mess.

Nate and I were so happy to have a weekend of "nothing going on" so that we could do all those things we haven't done in awhile (like finish hanging this light.) We are so silly.

As I'm sure most of you know if you follow the Instagram, we took Damian to the ER on Saturday. I had been painting the dining room when I realized it was all too quiet in the house. Nate texted me that Damian had decided to take a nap on the sofa. My mama sensors went off a bit at that, butttttt who doesn't love peace and quiet and the miracle of both children napping at the same time???? 

However, not only does my child not ever nap. He never turns off his beloved Curious George in order to take a nap, so the second he woke up we took his temperature--103.4. 

UGHGHHHHHHGGHHHHHHH

We asked him over and over "Does anything hurt??" and every time he responded that nothing did. 

UGHGHHGHHHHHHHH

For Damian, a sudden fever with no other symptoms means we need to rush him to the hospital.** So we did. He was pretty pitiful, but after some Motrin, IV fluids, (a lollipop,) and blood work he seemed to be doing much better. It was a long couple of hours waiting for answers.

At first I was all over it-- "Clare you can't touch anything!!!" But after an hour of being in a little room and having brought her two different shoes (both the left feet--oh the irony,) I decided I was fighting a losing battle. She's probably horribly diseased now too, but at least she had a milestone moment and said "bag" while trying on her new bookbag. Apparently she's 13.

Four hours later we all cheered that the labs said his liver looked fine but showed positive for RSV. Probably not the norm, but nothing ever is with Damian. It's hard to explain what goes on inside me as Damian's mom, it's a complicated mess of emotions. Let's just say no one has been so relieved for a virus.

As we go to leave Damian goes "WHAT'S THAT?!" 

Oh buddy... It's the GIANT picture of a sea turtle that's been on the wall behind you the entire time we've been here... Clearly little man wasn't feeling 100%.

Then we tried to leave, but we were flooded because downtown Charleston does that. 

So we hung out a little more until we could float drive our car out. 

Sunday consisted of a lot of Curious George watching and apple juice drinking and nothing else. He still had a bit of a fever but still no other symptoms. I kinda feel like this weekend was a waste, but at the end of the day, we're really happy that it's just a virus. That is until the rest of us get it... 

**Thank you to all who prayed for Damian! We know for most a fever doesn't seem like much, but for Damian repeated infections of the liver would speed up its deterioration and cause him to need a transplant much sooner. I try to not ever focus on the bad things, but when these little moments happen sometimes it can feel overwhelming. I know we are incredibly blessed by how well our Miracle Boy is doing.

Damian and Clare

I love having more than one child. Of course there are days I consider locking myself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and crying on the floor because I'm all class like that. But usually having two is awesome and on most days I'm like LETSHAVEALLTHEKIDS. And then 5:30 rolls around (both AM and PM) and then maybe ALL the kids seems a little ambitious.

Anyway, this isn't about me. We're talking about them.

I know Damian was a bit of a difficult journey into motherhood, so it's probably not fair to compare. But life's not fair so we're going to. This second baby has been SO. SO. SO. much easier. And I say this while she is still waking up every 2-3 hours. (Another day, another post.... ugh) She has a much more laidback personality, so I know that helps. But having Damian around to entertain her is pretty nice. On the days Damian spends with my mom, Clare is so bored.

"Wake Up!! I miss you!!!"

They're best buddies. And already get into mischief together. I really thought I had a few years before that would start. Oh well...

Who else would take her glamour shots while her parents sleep?

Anything one of them does, the other one has to follow. Is one eating? The other is suddenly starving. Is someone playing with a toy that used to be the most boring toy ever? Then the other has to have it.

Buds

It's sometimes hilarious, sometimes a little painful. But she's doing her best to keep up and when he's not hoarding all his toys, he does a great job showing her how things work or what to do. 

Because grainy and shadowy pictures become cute when it's of them playing nicely together

It's silly to think how worried I had been about them getting along or Damian loving Clare. I would have never imagined this...

And now after 9ish month, I'm finally feeling like I can do this. I'm sure once she starts running with him I may change my tune. But for the most part, I feel pretty confident in my ability to manage them. Or maybe I've just accepted our Survival Mode and have completely forgotten what sanity I used to have. It's probably a bit of both and I'm ok with our new normal. 

Damian Update

If you saw the Instagram post from yesterday, you know Little Man has been having some issues. I hope to keep you updated so you can continue to pray for him. 

A little background... 

Damian has Biliary Atresia--a rare liver disease in which the bile ducts going from the liver to the intestines disintegrate. He was diagnosed at 2 weeks of age and at 3 weeks had a surgery known as a Kasai Procedure in which they take part of his intestines and make a new duct for bile to drain through. Praise God Damian's liver seems to have responded well to this surgery. Every 6 months his liver levels are monitored and they have always been relatively stable. We hope this means a liver transplant can wait a nice long long long time from now. However, I've been given a short list of things to keep an eye on as they could be signs of complications that can arise when one has a compromised liver. These things include a sudden, unexplained fever (from a potential bout of cholangitis,) blood in stool, spitting up or coughing up blood (from potentially bleeding varices caused by portal hypertension,) etc.

So what's been happening... 

Yesterday Damian began experiencing "some bathroom issues" with what appeared to be a decent amount of blood in it. I knew this was a sign of bleeding varices so I immediately called our pediatrician, and he got us to come in right away.

Crazy kid is just happy to have a lollipop

He confirmed it was definitely blood, and we spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon trying to figure out what the GI Team at the local children's hospital would like for us to do. I kept saying if I don't have a "plan" by 3pm I'm taking him to the ER because I know that early intervention is key as far as limiting the damage done to his liver, and I was starting to get a little mama bear crazy.

Thanks wifey for finding something that accurately depicted my mood

Normally I do a decent job keeping my whits about me when stuff happens with Damian, but we had still not been able to get into see the new GI/Liver Team here since moving back in February (that's another frustrating story for another day) and I didn't feel like I could "trust" these doctors yet. 

Anyway, a little before 3 o'clock I hear from the GI team and they would like to see him at 8 am the next day (today.) I questioned whether or not he should be seen sooner and they made it seem like it was up to me as to whether or not to take him to the ER. (Mama Bear be annoyed at this point.) So I promptly called our old GI who recommended we take him in, if he had another "episode with blood in it." Thankfully Damian didn't and we went to the GI today. The doctor explained that while it could be varices, Damian would likely also be spitting up blood as well since varices tend to bleed a lot. Also his liver and spleen felt fine, so he's hoping that's not what's causing it. We did blood work today, and the results should tell us (based on his cell counts) how profuse the bleeding is. If it is profuse (or the episodes continue,) then we will be scheduled for an emergency scope to determine the source of the bleeding. If his numbers come back fine, we will schedule him some time in the first week July to have the scope done. 

The doctor is speculating that it may be hemorrhoids that formed at the site of the new bile duct created during the Kasai Procedure or something else going on in the large intestines. Neither are life threatening, but both would require a minimally invasive surgery to correct. Or (although I find this unlikely judging by the fact Damian is acting like he feels fine) he's having a bacterial infection of some sort. 

So if you could, please keep him in your prayers that it's only something minor, and that it's an easy fix! As of tonight, we haven't heard back about blood work so I will keep you posted once we hear something hopefully tomorrow. 

Thanks again for all the kind texts, comments, etc. We really appreciate them!

A Day in the Life

7:30

 

Wake up to Clare patting my face. I attempt to nurse her in hopes I can get a few more minutes of sleep, but she continues to be adorable. and awake.

7:33 

Hear Damian whining downstairs to Nate about something. Pray I can hide just a bit longer

7:44

 Damian finds me, and he's crying. 

I continue to ask him why, and he continues to ignore me. Finally he calms down and tries to tackle me and Clare. Family snuggle fest commences.

7:58 

Nate makes it upstairs to get ready for work. He gives me that "you're still in bed" look because he's been up for hours at this point. We chat about the morning before he sneaks in the shower. 

8:15 

Realize Damian not only has my phone but he's managed to pull up a random video online. We all get sucked in watching it, and Damian doesn't get the humor. 

8:20 

Finally I get up... Let the day begin, world. I moan and whine a bit.

8:24 

Now begins the fight for my phone. Damian repeatedly tells me it's his and finally pry it out of his hands. Tears... sooo many tears.

8:26 

Nate says goodbye and for some reason Damian was not satisfied by the farewell he's received.

8:30 

Chase Nate down in the driveway because Damian is in hysterics and saying that he needs another hug from Nate. Normally I don't cater to every whim this kid has, but he's never acted this way about Nate leaving before so I deem it kinda cute and try to stop Nate from driving away. Of course, he still cries when Nate leaves, so I carry him and Clare back into the house. Work out for the day--completed.

8:40 

 

Despite the fact that she now hates diaper changes because it means she can't go anywhere, she finally has a clean diaper on. 

8:42

Everyone is unraveling again about who knows what, so I decide we need to get out of the house STAT.

8:43 

Get me and Clare dressed. 

8:58 

My timer goes off?? For some reason Damian must have set that while playing with my phone earlier... sigh...

9:03

 Wrangle clothing on to scooter boy, although I have to wait until he's done taking his call

 and head to the car.

9:13 

Yes a whopping 10 minutes later we are all finally in the car and on the way to Whole Foods. Clare naps.

9:30

 Make it into WF thanks to bribery. Head straight to coffee and pastry section and load us up. 

Damian's diet has started off stellar and I just thank God that this chocolate croissant he chose is as big as his face because it means I will get to shop in peace.

9:40 

Damian starts yelling about something. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KID?!?!?! Finally realize ooohhhh Bees. Like actual buzz buzz sting bees. Right.... 

9:42 

Go look at bees.

9:50

 Still walking around WF trying to find bread crumbs. WHERE ARE THE BREAD CRUMBS?!?!?! Finally ask someone and she says "Oh, they're over here by the tuna." I give her the "Oh. Logically." face, grab some, and bolt to the check out because there is still way too much Ice Coffee in my cup and not enough chocolate croissant left in his pastry bag. 

10:00

 Make it to the car and let Damian help me push the cart back to the drop-off spot. He insist he must also throw away his pastry bag because, judging by the tone of his voice, his life depends on it.

10:14 

Time to go home. Talk to my mom on the drive back. Adult conversation. Woot Woot. Clare sleeps and Damian is surprisingly quiet-ish.

10:45 

Car is unloaded, and Clare is asleep in her carseat. I get to actually cook some!!! 

10:46

 Damian wakes up Clare.

10:47 

Stop myself from killing my child.

10:48 

Start to really regret the fact that I didn't make this dish the night before like I had originally planned. 

10:53 

Clare lets me finally put her down, and Damian is scooting around the house playing. She slowly dismantles the fridge and cabinets and I don't even care one little bit. 

I get to chop chop chop with two hands!

11:21
Everything is finally chopped after some "help" from Damian

 and a few intermissions from Clare. I realize that trying to triple a recipe was perhaps a bit ambitious... 

11:30 

Realize it's been 4 hours since I've nursed Clare, so we take a little nursing break. Wonder if 11:33 still counts as morning as I read my Morning Offering email.

 She falls asleep so I put her in he Ergo and keep on keeping on.

11:38 

Let Damian "wash dishes" because the environment isn't going to win today. 

11:50 

Recipe calls for wine and wonder if it's acceptable to drink wine before noon if I'm using it to cook.

11:51 

Curse the wine gods.

12:00 

Damian is playing by himself. Praise the real God for this miracle that last until lunchtime. At some point I notice that playing by himself also means hanging out in the dog crate.

12:50 

Casseroles are in the oven and I've got lunch on the table for Damian. I eat cashews because I have to fix this... It's just... yea it's bad.

1:29 

Kitchen is clean enough.

1:41

 Put on George and sit down for a second. Clare doesn't want to play and seems pretty cranky.

1:50 

Nurse Clare while wondering what Tibi is barking about while also making oatmeal for me to eat.

1:55

Eat oatmeal while nursing Clare and attempting to blog. I get no where because she wants to help type.

2:03 

Go upstairs to grab laundry and to change. Clare falls over pulling up on something and wants to comfort nurse. Damian notices we are missing and comes upstairs. I put Clare in the Johnny Jump-up so I can attempt to make myself look half way decent. She and Damian bounce while looking at each other in the mirror. I can't decide if this is incredibly cute or just kinda vain. Gotta love little kids.

2:20 

Casseroles done! 

Start getting Damian and Clare ready to go. We're delivering a meal to a mama friend who just had a baby (hence all the casserole making.) Also remember I need to pack a few packages from the eBay business and stick them in the mailbox.

2:50

 Finally get out the door 30 minutes later. Clare sleeps and Damian is silent. This. Is. Bliss. I'm completely recharged by the time we get to her house.

3:23

 Make it to friend's house and end up having an impromptu playdate for a bit. Damian's shy self seems to be finally warming up a bit right as we need to leave. Typical typical. 

4:50

 We're back home and Damian wants to go on a walk. Also, judging by his tone, this too is life or death and if we don't walk RIGHT NOW we will all die. But I tell Mr. Doing the Potty Dance he has to go to the bathroom first. He and I argue for a good 5 minutes before he finally just goes. I will never understand this dilemma. Never. (Can I mention how glad I am that dinner is already done! I also make a mental note to start cooking every meal early.)

5:00 

Strap Clare in the Ergo, Damian grabs his scooter, and we finally go on that walk. I tell him he has until 5:30 because then we have to go home to warm up dinner and take a bath. 

5:25

 Run into/meet our neighbor who has kids and end up talking for WAY too long. But we get a dinner invite out of it. Damian has had one too many interactions with humans and is losing it. The world is crumbling around us. We are all hot. We are all melting. There are puddles of despair everywhere. I'm fairly convinced the dinner invite has been revoked. But new friends bring Damian a frozen yogurt pop to help us make it back home. They are officially amazing.

6:03 

Finally start warming up dinner. Damian struggles. Clare is a sweaty mess and hungry.

6:08 

The moment we have all been waiting for finally happens as Nate walks through the door. Hallelujah choirs begin. Or, wait, is that the sound of my child still. wailing. 

6:10

 Dinner begins. After an epic battle over what he was eating, he decides that he suddenly doesn't like THESE chicken nuggets. He wants to go get different ones. I sip my wine faster. Finally we bribe him with milk to eat and he realizes, oh wait. THESE ARE SOOOO GOOD! Sigh.... We recount the day to Nate, while I feed Miss I Love To Eat So Much I That Bounce While I Eat And Therefore Make A Mess. Thankfully, the day seems to be ending on a happy note as everyone's mood is much better with a little food.

7:10

 Go upstairs and begin the bedtime routine with Clare while Nate tackles (literally) Damian. Rock and nurse Clare while I pray and decompress from the day.

7:50 

Sneak out of Clare's room. Catch up briefly with Nate while he cleans the kitchen from dinner. I then go outside to water the plants.

8:24 

Decide I just need some quiet time and swing outside for a bit. I worry about Damian some and hope I'm doing the right thing with him. 

8:36

 Go back inside and apologize to Nate for unloading all my frustrations about Damian and his "social skills" on to Nate the second he walked in the door. He, of course, doesn't care because he understands. 

8:40

 Start blogging.

9:06 

Realize the number of pictures I have for this post is unreal.

9:32 

Start texting all the people I've accidentally ignored in the last few hours. 

10:10

Finish post. Contemplate bed or ice cream. Bed or ice cream. And then think... Oh wait, didn't I do laundry at some point today?? Oops...